I Don’t Know How To Pray Anymore

When I was probably 7 or 8 I tapped my dad on the shoulder in the prayer room in Kansas City and asked him “what bible verse talks about abortion?”

I wanted to pray on the microphone for the ending of abortion. He explained to me that there wasn’t a specific verse or prayer in the Bible about the ending of abortion. Abortion in the way we know it today wasn’t a reality in biblical times due to the limitations of medicine and technology.

I remember being absolutely confused.

“But people pray for the ending of abortion all the time?”

I assumed there was a verse that said something along the lines of “God end abortion and heal families”.

I ended up learning the end abortion prayer that someone in the last century came up with. It worked out fine.

I probably didn’t even really understand what abortion was at that point in my life, I was just a kid. But I understood it had to do with babies dying, and I liked babies. So abortion was bad.

I now know more about abortion and I still think abortion is bad. Because I like babies.

I also liked to pray for revival. Acts 2:17-19 was one of my favorite verses to pray. I liked that it had such a tangible result. Signs. Wonders. Miracles. Healings. Cool stuff.

I was at a friend’s church retreat when I was about 16. We were playing some Bible board game and one of the questions was, “Did Cain kill Abel or did Abel kill Cain?”

I always got confused about who killed who (honestly it’s still a bit foggy). Everyone always referred to the story as “the story of Cain and Abel”. Everyone knows the story, no need to state who killed who apparently.

In the end, I guessed wrong. I said that Abel killed Cain, when it turns out, Cain killed Abel.

I felt a bit embarrassed that I got the answer wrong. I did, however, note that I could probably preach a 30-minute message on any of the Apostolic Prayers. That should count for something.

IHOPKC put much more focus on Apostolic Prayers than they did things like “Did Abel kill Cain” or “What is sanctification”.

I knew the Apostolic Prayers. I prayed on the mic at IHOP and even more when we started the House of Prayer and church in Brazil.

I love the Apostolic Prayers. They are prayers that I know will get answered because they’re in the Bible.

Back at the last Onething conference in 2018 (RIP), there was a ministry time for healing. We were visiting from Brazil for Christmas. I was sitting in the section at the side of the stage with my family and a few dozen other IHOP leaders.

If I remember correctly, a leader came to my mom and asked if she had any words for healing. My mom has a keen ability to get words of knowledge and pray for healing. The leader commented to my sister and me about whether either of us had a word.

I had a moment of confidence and went up on the stage with my mom and sister without much encouragement. Normally, in those moments, I would have an internal battle about whether I should go or not. Whether I really heard the Lord or was just fueling my own selfish ambition.

But for that split second that internal battle went away.

The three of us went on stage with a few others and we stood up there ready to pray for healing.

I’ve been on large stages before. I’ve even been on that Onething stage a time or two. So I wasn’t freaking out. I knew how to calm my breathing and not lose my cool in front of 15,000 people.

I had a few general words of knowledge for healing and I shared them and then prayed. While I was praying two IHOP leaders were standing behind me. One of which was Mike Bickle.

I could hear them saying “Amen!” while I prayed. I had a few words I wanted to pray through. But I realized at a certain moment that they stopped saying “amen” and “yes”. So I knew that they wanted me to stop. It was time for me to pass it off to the next person. My mom and sister went on to kill it. They prayed accurate words of knowledge with confidence and anointing. A win.

But I remember distinctly that I knew it was time for me to be done because those leaders stopped agreeing with my prayers. I think I still had a few things I wanted to pray, but because of the pressure I felt from the two people behind me I stopped.

I do understand the dynamics of having people pray on a stage, some people get very long-winded. But I don’t think that’s me. My parents have taught me and my siblings how to speak publicly and how to read a room, but most importantly how to listen to the Holy Spirit.

I wished I had finished praying what I wanted to pray and not listened to the silence from the two leaders behind me. But that was IHOP. You prayed a certain way, a certain length of time, and you took your cues on how to do so from the “leaders” because they were more holy than the rest of us.

That situation chipped away a little bit of my confidence to stand on a stage and pray or give a word, which is already an extremely vulnerable situation.

The other day someone asked me to pray for something out loud. I said of course I would.

I have never felt at more of a loss for words than I did at that moment. I was praying in Portuguese, so I assumed my loss of words was because I was feeling a bit rusty. So I switched to English. Still, nothing intelligible came out.

All the phrases I wanted to say felt wrong. “Grace to say yes again” just doesn’t feel right anymore.

I wanted my prayer to be sincere and real. But my prayers are very raw right now.

I didn’t want to use hype or buzzwords in my prayers because that’s what I was used to saying. I, of course, never did that intentionally. But I was raised at IHOP and the prayer culture was, at times, suffocating.

You had to say it right. Use the right words. Quote the verse in the New King James Version.

I felt stuck. Like I was deep in mud and couldn’t climb my way out using fancy prayer words. I didn’t know how to pray out loud without using the hype and IHOP vernacular.

It was not my best or most eloquent prayer. But I guess that’s okay.

I’ve decided I’d rather say messy, incoherent prayers than pray something that seems powerful and filled with buzzwords for effect, instead of authenticity and real reach for the Lord.

I don’t want to use phrases like, “Grace to say yes”, “sign up again”, or “Thus sayeth the Lord”.

Mike Bickle’s coined phrases and lingo don’t bring me closer to heaven. Using fancy words doesn’t make me more holy.

What I wish I had said was “Lord let them feel your love” or “Help them to know Jesus more”.

That used to feel insufficient. I didn’t use enough apostolic prayer direct quotes or refer to the end of the age, or the end times, or the blasted Black Horse.

Mike always preached that our weak and broken prayers reached the Throne Room. But he never modeled that. It is true that our prayers reach God regardless of how fancy we sound, but I know that because of God being God, not because Mike was a good example.

You had to pray a certain way. And use a certain tone of voice. And stand and hold the microphone a certain way.

And if you didn’t pray ‘“right”, you got an email from a jerk saying you can’t pray so loudly (yes, that happened. A lot.)

Ridiculous.

My prayers reach Jesus’ ear because I pray from my heart out of sincerity. Not because I pray in a special, secret way.

I think I am rediscovering my voice.

What does it sound like when Chloe prays?

What does her voice really sound like?

I am figuring that out right now.

I still like the Apostolic Prayers. I will admit that I am branching out of the NKJV version occasionally.

My prayers between the Lord and me aren’t eloquent or showy. There are lots of pauses, though they aren’t too awkward. I’m getting used to intentional silence.

I want to do away with the pressure to pray a certain way or say a certain thing.

When I pray out loud in a group I want to remember that I am still praying to a very real God who really likes it when I pray, even if I don’t sound like everyone wants me to sound like.

Next time someone asks me to pray for something out loud I want to hold myself back from going straight to the buzzwords or what I think people want me to pray about. I want to trust my heart to pray for what is on my heart.

Photo by Cherish Smith