If I Could Sit Across the Table From 12-Year-Old Me

For years after I graduated from my teenage years, I still felt like a 12-year-old. It was hard to realize that I really had grown up and was making big-girl decisions now.

I don’t feel like I’m 12 anymore.

And I don’t think 12-year-old Chloe would really understand or even be proud of 25-year-old me. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’ve truly grown up.

12-year-old Chloe was bought into IHOPKC and 24/7 prayer and worship. I thought people who weren’t as die-hard were sellouts and loved Jesus less. My worst fear was being a “normal Christian”. I would have never said that out loud, but that was my subconscious thought.

It conflicted with my internal desire to attend college and study business eventually, then enter the business world. I wasn’t sure how to reconcile that yet. I knew I was made to enter the “marketplace”, but every one I looked up to was at IHOPKC doing the IHOP thing.

But I loved Jesus, I did. And I knew Him. 12-year-old me was about to move to Brazil, and in that move, that’s when I grew even closer to God. I didn’t have the same spiritual support system as I did in Kansas City (thank God), so I had to find Him for myself. And I’m so glad that I did move, I began to slowly, very slowly, lose the layers of IHOP-y-ness.

If I got to sit across the table from my younger self and explain how my life turned out, I think my younger self would see me as a failure. She would say that I got bitter and offended, like everyone else who ever questioned IHOP. She might say that I am not radical anymore, that I love Jesus less. She might tell me to try harder, do better. I would sit and smile. I really do appreciate the zeal I had then, slightly misplaced though it was.

I would sit across from her and share what the last two years have been. I would explain that the people I trusted and admired the most outside of my family turned out to be wolves preying on others. I would tell her that the most amazing, spiritual, and radical ones that I grew up idolizing turned out to be liars.

I don’t know if little Chloe could have heard and understood that. It’s been incredibly hard to address and process the place I grew up in as an adult, it would be next to impossible to do it as a 12-year-old who was actively living in it. Again, I am so grateful we moved.

I would tell her that Brazil is going to be hard, Denver is going to be a nightmare, and that returning to Kansas City will turn out to be hell.

I would also tell her not to let go of your routine to outline every chapter in the Bible. Don’t take for granted your relationship with the Lord, it will sustain you when you’re lied to, lied about, betrayed, and stabbed in the back.

I would tell her that she is strong; some will question this strength, but to ignore them. It won’t be that hard, we love ignoring people. I would tell her that she will feel weak, a lot. Some people will try to take advantage of our weakness, but our weakness is made perfect in His strength.

I would tell her that God is near, even when you don’t feel Him. God has your back even when you feel the most exposed.

I would smile and say that you’re gonna be okay. Life is an adventure, try and enjoy the ride. It’s a wild one.

I don’t think 12-year-old Chloe would have the capacity to see and understand what her life would turn out to be. Not sure if she would be proud of who she’d become, but I am proud of her. And I am proud of myself now. Not in a weird way, but I am proud that I am still on my feet. It’s been hard to stay standing.

My life isn’t what I thought it would turn out to be. I’m not that mad about it, though. The life I’ve lived has been a lot more fun than what I had envisioned.

This week’s post is definitely on the sappy side, maybe I’m just feeling emotional cause I just became an aunt.

I would also tell her to just skip watching the 2021 and 2025 Super Bowls.

Photo by Milena Seguin on Unsplash