My Grieving Process is Not in My Hands

Early on in the IHOPKC / Mike Bickle scandal I heard a counselor talk about the stages of betrayal trauma. These stages differ slightly than the traditional stages of grief, not sure how. But apparently they do.

The stages demonstrate the different emotions people are going to experience during and after a traumatic situation. I think it’s appropriate to call this season traumatic.

It has been very helpful for me to identify where I am at in the process, and to understand where other people are at. It can be hard to talk to someone who is in the denial / shock stage when I am in the anger stage. Understanding the stages gave me a few tools to interact with people who weren’t in the same stage as me.

It feels like the stages keep resetting every time some new horror gets revealed. For a while almost weekly some new article or video would come out that would reset my stage. I was constantly getting shot back to shock and anger.

I started to feel a subconscious rush to get through the stages of trauma and grief. I wanted to be “better” already. This process of exposure has taken so much longer than I ever thought it would, and who knows how much longer it will go on. I’ve had to disengage at several different points just to get a breather. The constant onslaught of horrifying information tends to start weighing on you.

I want to get past the anger and the obsession and get to acceptance already. But I actually have very little control of that. God created us in a very specific way. And grief actually takes time, a lot of time.

The other day while I was at work I was listening to a compilation of soundtracks. I love a good movie score. A song came on that was very sad. The music moved me. And I knew the movie it was from and could pinpoint the emotions that the actor was portraying when the song played in the movie.

Emotions of extreme grief and loss. The character had lost almost everyone she cared for. But there was also an air of hope and victory. So much loss. But hope. Victory in spite of loss. Hope in spite of loss.

I was listening to the song as I was working and I had to stop. I could feel the emotions welling up in me. The waves of grief crashed over me. All that has been lost. I could feel the floodgates begin to crack open. I felt it all in my throat ready to come screaming out.

I’ve felt that feeling of the floodgates cracking open once before. I was in Brazil a few years ago visiting and I was singing in a set. My heart suddenly had new life poured into it as I get to sing, sing my heart out. I felt the floodgates begin to open. Singing became my way to express my heart and emotions to the Lord when I lived in Brazil, and a lot was ready to come crashing out.

I was sitting in my office feeling all those emotions, and then the song changed. And the floodgates closed.

I was honestly a bit relieved. Didn’t want to deal with all that while sitting at my desk.

But other thoughts began to creep into my mind.

What if those emotions never get out?

What If I explode one day?

What if I end up feeling completely numb for the rest of my life?

I’ve been tremendously numb in past seasons. I’ve exploded before. I know it wasn’t a healthy solution long term, even if it seemed like the easy road out.

I felt pressure to be fine already.

But during a sweet time of worship time with our church, I realized that the timing of my grieving and healing is not in my hands. It’s in the Lord’s.

God is more committed to my healing process than even I am. He wants my heart to be free. He wants to heal the pain and the tremendous trust issues and extensive loss.

So that night I told the Lord that my grieving process and timing was in His hands, not mine. He is fully capable of leading me to healing, forgiveness, and wholeness when it’s the right time.

I might be alone in these feelings. But probably not.

I trust Jesus. He is committed to me. He will help me crack the floodgates of loss and pain open when the time is right. And when everything comes crashing out, He will be there. He won’t leave me alone until I get my crap together. He won’t abandon me until I can be fake happy.

When I feel like I am falling into an unending abyss of pain and unresolved emotion, He’ll be there when I finally hit the bottom of it.

He has felt tremendous betrayal. He has felt pain. He knows what it’s like to walk a day in my shoes.

This might feel really hard to do. To trust the Lord with the timing of my healing, and it is. But I have learned throughout my life that He kinda knows what He’s doing. So I’m gonna sit back and listen to the gentle nudge of the Holy Spirit.

Life sucks right now, but it won’t always be this way.

This too shall pass. I think that is a Gandalf quote, I hope it is. But if it’s not, it’s still good.

Photo by Mark Eder on Unsplash