Though You Slay Me

Over the last few weeks, I have been taking a deeper look at the Book of Job. I’ve read through it a few times before, but the theme of Job, suffering, feels poignant right now.

I don’t feel like I’m a stranger to suffering, especially recently. My life has never been “normal.” There have always been a lot of ups and downs. There has been tremendous good and tremendous pain and loss. I wouldn’t have it any other way, well, mostly.

These last 18 months however have at times felt truly soul-crushing. I’ve suffered, my family has suffered, and countless others have suffered. It’s been hard to watch.

Over the past few months, as I’ve felt a little bit of fresh air in my lungs, I’ve begun to reflect and look back. I pretty much have only one question of God, “Why”?

For crying out loud, why?

There was a time when asking God questions like that would have felt wrong, or that He’d get mad at me or feel disappointed. Long gone are those feelings. I know that God can handle all of my intense questions, like “why”. It’s probably better to run to Him with my aching heart than from Him.

I know God is sovereign, I know God is in control, I know God is good. But I still don’t understand why things have unfolded the way they have. It’s just hurt so much.

The Book of Job seemed like a good place to start. I bought a guided Bible study for $11 and jumped right in.

At the beginning of the book, we see Satan’s interaction with God in the throne room. We don’t know if Job ever found out about that interaction, luckily we got to see it.

God gave permission to Satan to go and wreck Job’s life, twice. Yikes.

What is hard to wrap my mind around is that God gave permission to Satan to harass Job because of his integrity. Ouch. I don’t love that. I’d much rather see the wicked punished and the righteous prosper. But I don’t believe in the prosperity gospel.

Most of the book is speeches from Job and his friends. His friends are generally very unhelpful. They just think Job has committed some heinous sin and deserves all that he is experiencing and should just repent already. But we know that is not the case. Job’s suffering, which is extreme, is not because of wrong doing.

Job maintains his innocence throughout the entire book. He demands justice and wants to go before the judge and plead his case.

He brings his suffering before the Lord and asks for mercy and asks “why”. He doesn’t understand why he experienced so much horror. And he wasn’t exaggerating, I cannot fathom the feelings of loss Job must have felt.

In one of his speeches Job simply says, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” (Job 13:15a).

Reading the book was worth it for this verse alone for me.

Suffering is not pointless or in vain. It produces something. It’s producing something in me.

There are things about God that I can only discover when I suffer and experience pain. Things I can only touch in God when I am in the valley of the shadow of death. That alone should make suffering worth it — to touch a new facet of who God is.

I can confidently say that I’ve experienced the nearness of God like never before in the past 18 months. I have actually felt burdens come off my shoulders when I give them to the Lord. I have found rest during hardship in God.

I have felt almost crushed, hard-pressed, perplexed, and nearly destroyed. But I still trust God. Like Abraham on that mountain with Isaac, I trust that God will be who He says He is — good.

Though you slay me, still I will trust you, God.

Job goes on in the book to ask God why he has suffered so much. This is where Job begins to make a mistake. He elevates his innocence and perceived moral high ground to equal standing with God.

His desire for vindication becomes so strong that, in his mind, it’s as important as God and His glory. Job assumed that he knew best.

When God finally does speak and respond to Job He confronts Him about this.

“Who is this who darkens counsel by words without knowledge?”

Job 38:2

“Would you indeed annul My judgment? Would you condemn Me that you may be justified?”

Job 40:8

God brought Job low in an instant when He spoke out of the whirlwind. God reminded Job of his place in the pecking order. Job repents and the Lord restores everything in his life.

God never directly answered the question of “why” for Job. But He demonstrated that He was near to Job and heard his prayers.

I don’t want my own quest for vindication or understanding to stand in the way of my love for God or His place in my heart. This doesn’t mean that I can’t bring my questions to God, it means that I don’t want my need for justice to be on equal standing with God.

I may never get an answer as to why this has all happened on this side of eternity. Can I be okay with that? Can I still love God and my neighbor if I never understand why almost everyone I know has experienced so much suffering?

I hope so.

I can see the fruit of suffering on this side of eternity, even though I’d prefer to just get the fruit without going through the suffering part. God is committed to me and committed to making me like Him and suffering is a part of that.

I may never get the answers I want to my questions, but I am sure of a few things. Jesus is well acquainted with my suffering and grief. He is a sympathetic high priest who intercedes for me before the Father. I am not alone, ever.

Suffering is a guarantee in this life, but I am not alone. I don’t always understand it, but God knows what He is doing.

Though You slay me, still I trust you.

Photo by Sarmat Batagov on Unsplash