Can I Grow in the Dark?

When a lot of people recommend something to me or tell me to do something my first reaction is to not do whatever they’re recommending. If everyone is doing something I typically have a knee-jerk reaction and just don’t do it.

I don’t like being told what to do, obviously.

So when half the people I knew kept telling me to try out the Pause app by John Eldredge, my first reaction was no.

Let’s just say I’ve been called stubborn before.

I heard about the wonders of the Pause app for over a year before my counselor told me about it. When she recommended it to me I finally succumbed. She recommended I try out the 30 Days to Resilience program on the app.

The program is pretty self-explanatory. There are two “Pauses” per day, one for the morning and one for the evening, for 30 days. Each Pause is a short meditation session.

I was pretty reluctant to try it out, again I’m stubborn. But it wasn’t long after I started it that it became my lifeline.

I think we can all agree that this year has brought so much grief, loss, and questions. The twice-daily meditation helped me to process it and let go of it.

So I guess all those people were right about it, which I do hate to admit.

One particular session really spoke to me. In the session, they read a passage from Jeremiah 17.

“For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters,

Which spreads out its roots by the river,

And will not fear when heat comes;

But its leaf will be green,

And will not be anxious in the year of drought,

Nor will cease from yielding fruit.”

— Jeremiah 17:8

It hit me hard. I realized that this tree being described grows and thrives during a drought.

“And will not fear when heat comes;”.

The Passion Translation says “It does not fear when scorching heat comes”.

Does anyone feel like we’re being hit with scorching heat?

The tree continues to thrive, grow, and bear fruit. And the tree is not anxious about its surroundings. Sounds like a tree that I want to be.

When I heard this for the first time, I asked myself “Is it possible that I can actually grow right now?”

I am feeling the intense heat. The scorched earth all around. But according to Jeremiah, I can actually grow and bear fruit right now. And even better not be anxious.

Another way to say this is that I can grow in the dark. Not meaning dark as in wickedness, I mean dark as in things that are hard and unclear right now.

The dark night of the soul, if you will.

I felt hopeful when I heard this. I can still grow in the dark. I can still grow when I have a million questions, when I feel pain when I look back on a lot of my life, when I see people’s lives utterly destroyed. I can grow, not just survive.

But here’s the thing about growth. You never know you’re growing until you look back later down the road. All you think right now is “Dang this is hard”. But in a minute you’ll look back and see how much you’ve grown.

Chloe, what do you mean “grow”?

I think I am actually growing in my trust in Jesus. He is doing what we prayed for and asked Him to do. He is purifying His church. He is setting captives free. He is breaking the arm of the wicked.

I just really didn’t think this was what it was going to look like. Like at all.

I think my discernment is growing. I am not trusting someone just because they have a great, charismatic personality. I pay way more attention to people’s fruit. Real fruit, not ministry numbers.

I think that I can indeed grow during the drought and in the dark.

But that doesn’t mean I like the dark or the drought. And I think it’s okay to ask for it to be over.

I want to feel the sunshine again. I want to see hope and restoration. I am allowed to ask Jesus for that I think.

This past year has gotten darker and darker. I’ve seen and heard things that I never imagined possible from people I used to love.

I’ve thought “How could this get worse? How could this get darker?” And then people surprise me with their wickedness.

A quote from Thomas Fuller has come to mind more than once:

“The darkest hour is just before the dawn”

Yes, I had to google who originally said that.

Things are really dark right now, but I think the Dawn is coming. The official start of the investigation is a sign of the coming dawn.

But my main indicator that the dawn is coming is simple. Jesus loves His people. He will bring justice. He will set people free. He will restore. Simply because He said He would.

This week’s Substack is mostly my current ramblings about where I’m at right now.

Things are dark right now. But I can grow in the dark.

The darkness won’t last forever. I am pretty certain of that.

And it turns out everyone was right about the Pause app. Who would have thought? If you haven’t checked it out, you might consider it. It’s free.

P.S. Don’t forget that my new tier of Substack is releasing on October 2 (this Wednesday!). Part of the new paid tier is a new series called “Detangling”.

This won’t be more of my ramblings, but written interviews with people I believe will help us all feel validated, gain language for what we’re experiencing, and shed light on the church and its hidden beauty and overt dysfunction. And hopefully, bring us all some hope. We could use some.

Here is a quote from an interview I’m excited for us all to read:

“It's almost like through the firestorm I was just like a little baby in his arms. In the one sense, completely helpless, but being so helped, in my weakness. I felt the strength of God like I've never felt it. And I just felt this peace and actually a joy. I think that's come out of the freedom.

It feels so good to be awake.”

Photo by infinyd photo on Unsplash