Get Your Grubby Hands off My Story

In October of last year, Mike Bickle and IHOPKC posted a video on Instagram. The video was posted shortly before the scandal broke publicly. I remember my family was all at the dinner table, listening as my dad played the video.

Mike, with Stuart Greaves standing next to him, started to share about Psalm 55 elude to “friends” that were going to turn against him and the saints.

Expletives almost immediately came out of my mouth.

He was setting the stage for his whole Black Horse crap fest. He wanted everyone to know that he was being falsely attacked and that it was all a demonic attack when the news of his immoral failings became public.

But that wasn’t what really bothered me. I was angry that he would even reference Psalm 55 at all.

In 2021 my family and I felt a deep betrayal. Of course not nearly as deep as what was coming. I remember coming across Psalm 55 when I was doing an internship in Spain. I was sitting on my bed reading through the Psalms. Before when I read it, it was just a psalm. But for the first time, I felt deeply known and seen when I read it.

David shares his guttural pain of loss and betrayal. It wasn’t just that someone was trying to kill him (again). It’s that it was a friend—someone he used to take counsel with in the house of the Lord.

Something else caught my eye at the beginning of the Psalm:

“My heart is severely pained within me,

And the terrors of death have fallen upon me.

Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me,

And horror has overwhelmed me.

So I said, “Oh, that I had wings like a dove!

I would fly away and be at rest.”

These are the symptoms of a panic attack. David was having a panic attack. Chest pain, terror, despair, horror, trembling. That is what it feels like to have a panic attack. The King David had a panic attack. The pain was too much for his soul to bear. He didn’t mention panic attacks when the Philistines were trying to kill him, just when his friends were.

The Psalm goes on to say:

“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me; Then I could bear it.

Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me;

Then I could hide from him.

But it was you, a man my equal, My companion and my acquaintance.

We took sweet counsel together,

And walked to the house of God in the throng.”

If it was an enemy of mine, his attacks wouldn’t hurt so bad. But it wasn’t an enemy, it was a friend who reproached me. Someone who used to pray with me, counsel me, walk in the house of the Lord together.

I obviously went back to the psalm when I first found out about these accusations. I sent it to my parents. I prayed through it.

Each verse hit home more than the last. I was betrayed by a friend. My family was betrayed by a friend. The Body of Christ was betrayed by a friend, a trusted counselor.

“… Because they do not change, Therefore they do not fear God.

He has put forth his hands against those who were at peace with him;

He has broken his covenant.

The words of his mouth were smoother than butter, But war was in his heart;

His words were softer than oil, Yet they were drawn swords.”

Sound familiar?

When I heard Mike mention Psalm 55 I was angry. At that exact moment, I was sitting at the dining room table reading the Psalm on my phone while listening to the video.

He tried to use David’s song to paint himself as the righteous man who was being betrayed by a friend. But he was the betrayer. Who camouflaged himself as a sheep when he was a wolf.

He manipulated the Bible to galvanize followers to come running to his defense when the accusations went public. Disgusting. Brilliant, but disgusting.

Even in my anger, I did not turn my back on the Psalm. He manipulated it and tried to make it all about him and his poor circumstances. But it did not belong to him.

There are a few parts of the Psalm that Mike most definitely did not understand.

“… Because they do not change, Therefore they do not fear God.”

Mike Bickle has a complete lack of the fear of the Lord. His refusal to change, to repent, to make restitutions is proof of that.

I have returned to this Psalm a few times. Not only can I find myself in David’s shoes, but I also use his prayer as a launching point for my soul.

“As for me, I will call upon God, And the Lord shall save me…

Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud,

And He shall hear my voice.

He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me,

For there were many against me…

Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you;

He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”

David gives us an amazing example of not just leaning into the anger and the pain, but turning to the Lord. The Lord will save me, deliver me.

On nights when I couldn’t sleep I repeated this phrase over and over “He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me.”

The Lord will sustain me when my entire world crumbles when I am betrayed and forgotten, when I am falling. The Lord sustains me when I’m angry, confused, hurt, and disillusioned.

He never permits the righteous to be moved.