Holy Ghost
I came across a song this week called “Holy Ghost”. It’s not your typical Christian song about the Holy Spirit. It’s a song about a guy trying to find his faith.
In the first verse, he says that there was a pop-up revival outside of his hometown. He went because he wanted to feel God. And when the minister prayed for him, he tried to push him over. But he didn’t let him push him over. By the end, he was the only one left standing at the altar. He was left wondering what was wrong with him.
If you’ve ever been to a “revival” service, you probably can relate. During The Awakening at IHOPKC, I remember going up for prayer and feeling that shove when someone prayed for me. Everyone wanted to be “slain in the spirit”. I was only about 10 or 11 and was so desperate to feel God, and I wanted it to be real. I didn’t want someone to push me down, I wanted the real thing. I wanted to feel God and see Him. Despite those pure intentions, it’s still hard not to look around and wonder why everyone is getting touched but you.
Looking back, The Awakening sometimes felt like a competition and a pissing contest. Who was the most holy, who was on the stage the most, who “manifested” the most. It wasn’t about the fruit of repentance and healing. It wasn’t about lives transformed. Knowing what we all know now, that pretty much makes sense.
The song goes on to say that he’s a bit cynical, and people say he has a skeptical nature. I’ve become pretty skeptical, cynical, really. I’m tired of the fake, the fraud, and the flamboyant. I want to see something real, not someone’s ego shrouded in the guise of holiness.
I still believe that God moves; He says that He does in His word. But I am cynical, when someone talks about some “new revival”, I don’t believe them. So many of The Awakening poster children aren’t even following God anymore, some say they were never even healed at all.
But I still want to believe, I still want to see miracles and signs and wonders. I just want them to be real. I can’t let go of God, I know that He’s real and that He cares for His people. If He didn’t care, then all of these psycho pastors wouldn’t be getting exposed as the liars and frauds that they are.
The chorus of the song culminates in this phrase: “Well, I still wanna believe. Yeah, that Holy Ghost keeps haunting me. That Holy Ghost keeps haunting me.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m on the outskirts. The outskirts of the church, not in the know anymore, not caring to know anymore, and disbelieving all the hype until proven otherwise. But I am in good company here, the Holy Ghost keeps haunting me here, even here.
Yeah, I've always been a little cynical
They say I've got a skeptical nature
Doesn't mean I'm not hopeful
Just means that I'm a cautious believer
It's the craziest thing after all I've seen
Well, I still wanna believe
Yeah, that Holy Ghost keeps haunting me
That Holy Ghost keeps haunting me
Photo by Cosmic Timetraveler on Unsplash
100%!!!
Hang in there. You are completely normal in your reaction. It’s a process and when you come through you will have a much stronger faith. Some things will return and some will be gone forever. Like I’m never doing a fire tunnel again and I have no desire to come forward to have hands laid on me, but I am whole, happy and a functioning part of the Body again. Keep up the writing!