I Deleted Twitter

I was on the edge of my seat for days waiting for the report on IHOPKC and Mike Bickle to drop. I wanted to know whose stories were in there and who was implicated. When it finally came out I grabbed a bottle of wine, jumped in the car, and headed to my friend’s house. I didn’t want to be alone while I read it.

The first thing I did when I opened the document on my computer was search for names and see how many times they were in the report.

Mike Bickle: 224 times

Stuart Greaves: 22 times

Dave Sliker: 24 times

I needed to know that certain people were in there. Some were, others unfortunately were not.

I understand certain people’s disappointment that many stories were not in the report. In the report, they mention that a number of victims didn’t want their specific stories included because they were afraid of retaliation from their abuser and / or IHOPKC. I completely understand that. I can imagine that several people didn’t talk to the investigator at all out of fear of retaliation.

But what is in the report is enough. It’s sick and disturbing. Mike had 17 victims and I know there are more. 17 women were sexually harassed (and for many, much more) by that man.

There was not a lot of new information for me, but sitting on my friend’s couch and reading it hit me like a ton of bricks. Of course, I didn’t realize I was being so impacted by it until my body started yelling at me once I finished the report.

Reading story after story hit me so hard. This isn’t just the rambling of the AG. This isn’t some social media firestorm. This is an investigative report that proves who Mike really is and demonstrates the sick culture that thrived at IHOP allowing abusers to flourish and victims to be trodden down.

I never thought that the stories we heard weren’t real or that this was some grand conspiracy, but reading the report hit me with a sense of finality. This really is what happened and this is who Mike is. One of the people I most admired in the world is a liar and abuser.

The second half of the report was just as disturbing. I still cannot fathom that people who I admired, who I looked up to, whose kids I grew up with told victims to sit down and shut up.

I truly do not understand how a person could ever force a victim of sexual assault to sit in front of their abuser and make them apologize for “false accusations”. What in the actual heck? Sick.

I can’t believe that one of the people I most looked up to as a kid would further Mike’s sick narrative that Diane was going to die and that Mike would remarry because “Jesus was coming back soon”.

I truly did not know the people around me. I was surrounded by wolves, many wolves.

I was unable to look at the report from an intellectual standpoint, it was purely emotional. I couldn’t stop picturing the people I thought I knew compared to who they’ve been revealed to be.

It felt like the last 18 months happened all over in one night. My body was telling my brain that I wasn’t okay before my heart could catch up. I’ve learned to recognize the signs in my own body, and they were all there.

I couldn’t separate the emotional load from the information in front of me. It was too much. And I know that it’s not everything, there’s so much more that is not in the report.

Once I finished reading the report I opened Twitter. I took one look and within 30 seconds deleted the app.

I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want the opinions, the anger, the relief, the disappointment of all the people on the internet. I didn’t want everyone’s hot takes.

This place was my home, I was born here, I grew up here. Even though the report is not as long as it could have been, it's enough. Enough to send my emotions for a ride, enough to show the world who Mike is, enough to demonstrate the system of abusers that propped up IHOP. Although this moment is very public and many are invested in the report, it also feels private and so close to home. I had sleepovers at some of these people’s homes, they weren’t just my Bible teachers.

I expect I’ll be off Twitter for a while.

As I prayed that night I asked that Jesus would come and take my burdens from me. I asked for rest that only He can give. I asked for His burden that is easy and light, I can’t handle the burden of Mike on my shoulders.

Jesus isn’t shaken by this new report, He always knew, He always saw. And He decided it was time to shed some light.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and the contrite in spirit. He is as close as my breath. He is the Prince of Peace. He takes the burdens off my shoulders. He makes all things new. He is the defender of the widow, orphan, oppressed, abused, and marginalized.

Maybe later I’ll do a more in-depth breakdown of the report from an intellectual standpoint, but I’m not there yet. I’m still mourning the loss of all that I thought IHOP was and the people I thought I could trust. All over again.

I am not without hope though. Jesus is doing what we asked Him to do, purify His bride and shine His glorious light. It just hurts more than I thought it would.

P.S. Monday I have a new interview dropping. It’s a pretty good one.

Photo by Ahmet Yüksek ✪ on Unsplash