When I was 12 years old I remember being at a conference in Brazil. It was the year before we moved there, but I didn’t even know moving there was on the table at this point. I stood in the back of the room singing with the crowd.
Put me anywhere
Just put Your glory in me
And I’ll serve anywhere
Just let me see Your beauty
As I lifted my hands in worship I sang this song with all my heart. At that moment, I really meant it. I didn’t know that the Lord took it seriously and that only a few short days later my parents would tell me that they were thinking about moving to Brazil. The Lord saw my devotion and saw that it was real.
This song is really special to me for this reason.
I look back now and think how easy it was to sing it with all my heart at 12 years old.
Little Chloe had no idea what the next 10 years would bring. Not a freaking clue. But she sang with all her heart. And the Lord saw it.
I admire little Chloe who willingly gave it all to the Lord and I miss the simplicity of that moment.
The cost of that simple song would be tremendous.
The next several years were spent in Brazil, some of my life's most rewarding and challenging years. No one had any idea of the difficulties we would face there. Those years shaped me.
My parents and I did a panel discussion at our last Sunday service in Brazil before returning to the US. We talked about our time in Brazil and all that we learned and would miss.
After we finished the panel the worship team came up and began to play. They started to sing All is For Your Glory, having no idea the significance of the song to me.
It felt like the perfect ending to my time in Brazil.
I sang that song again with all my heart as I faced yet another life-altering transition.
We went to Denver and descended into hell. Our time in Denver was some of the worst days of our lives, these last 18 months included. I hated it there. I was so desperate to leave I signed up for an internship in Spain during COVID just to get out.
Without knowing it, the cost of God’s will was beginning to weigh on me.
After almost 2 years in Denver, we decided to move back “home” to Kansas City. We thought it would be a good place for us to land. We had friends and family here.
We obviously could not have been more wrong.
It hurts a little bit to look back and see that God brought us back to Kansas City for this. From one level of hell to another.
Once again the Roberts family was being used by the Lord as a battering ram. A battering ram breaks things. It’s strong. But every blow still hurts.
I’ve asked a lot of questions over the last 18 months.
What else do you want from me?
Are you still good?
How much more of this can I take?
Why does pain, heartache, and change follow us everywhere?
Can you just give us a break?
It was easier to say “Let Your will be done” when I was younger.
I know the cost now. And the cost is everything.
Saying yes to the Lord comes with a meditative pause for me now. I don’t say yes to Him blindly. I know that following the voice of the good shepherd will cost me something. Everything.
It doesn’t mean that I won’t say yes to Him. It means that long gone are the days when I was young, full of youthful zeal, and ready to conquer the world for Jesus without a second thought. Ironic really that I am only 25 saying this.
My trust in the Lord used to be so easy. It was easy to say yes.
It’s just not anymore. Following God is not easy.
If someone told you it was, they were wrong.
Following God is suffering. It’s hardship. It’s chastening. It’s stretching. It’s crushing.
It’s seeing the provision of God. It’s seeing God split the Red Sea. It’s the fire and the cloud.
It’s the mundane, boring days. It’s the still small voice of God. It’s feeling His nearness on hard days.
Sometimes following God is feeling nothing and having to grope in the dark for Him. It’s trusting in His ways when you do feel nothing.
So yeah, trust used to come easier for me, back in the days when I didn’t know the true cost.
But now I know.
Following God requires everything.
I guess when I do say “let Your will be done” now it means more than it did when I was 12. I’m not bright-eyed anymore, I’m not as naive, I’m not a child. I know the cost. And still, I say it.
Let Your will be done, not my own.
Amen!! So true! And all of this applies to marriage too!
Maybe you’re being prepared for that, Chloe! ?? May it be so, Lord! ❤️
This got me right in the gut.