My Comfort

First off, I want to thank everyone who has been sending encouraging messages and praying for my dad. I am shocked at how well he is recovering. He is still very limited in the kinds of activities he can do. But he is up and walking around. He says that he feels a huge difference in how he feels since his valve has been replaced. His heart is working perfectly now.

Anyhoo…

Life has gotten to the point where I need to ask myself “What now”?

I can’t live in crisis mode forever. My body can’t take it and my soul definitely can’t take it. There has to come a point where I choose to turn the page in my life. The IHOPKC scandal isn’t going anywhere, but it doesn’t have to take anything else from me.

My home has given more than most people will ever know. Countless hours in conversations, meetings, prayer, and losing our minds. But at some point, I have to begin to let go so it doesn’t completely overrun me.

I am not saying I won’t talk about it anymore (or do more podcast episodes about it), but I don’t want it to be my life in its entirety anymore.

Time to turn the page. At least for me. Some people turned the page months ago and others cannot fathom moving forward yet. But that’s okay.

I haven’t seen the full justice of the Lord yet. There are so many unknowns. I am detangling so much in my own heart and mind.

I have been in the process of detangling and sifting for a while now. Sometimes it’s hard to read the Bible or listen to Christian music. But one thing I know for certain is that I know the Lord.

I have a lot of questions and I am reexamining a lot of ideas of what it means to be a Christian. But I am not in any way questioning the divinity of God. He is the only reason I am even standing anymore. He has shown Himself to me my entire life.

One thing I’ve noticed is that passages in the Bible that I personally took time and attention to study and meditate on have become mine. I don’t hear Mike or anyone else’s voice in my head when I read it. I’ve encountered the Lord in those passages when it was just me and Him.

But passages that were famous “IHOP” verses are a bit more difficult. I need to read them in other versions to be able to read them without getting angry. I didn’t study them as intently, so I still hear someone else’s voice in my head. That will take time to undo I think.

One of the books that I have made mine is the Psalms. And thank God. It is so easy to find myself in them. David and the other writers faced real tragedy in their lives and showed me how to find God in it.

Psalm 119 (the longest chapter in the Bible at 176 verses) gives me countless examples of reaching for God amid tragedy and questions.

One section comes to mind:

“Remember the word to Your servant

Upon which You have caused me to hope.

This is my comfort in my affliction,

For Your word has given me life.

The proud have me in great derision,

Yet I do not turn aside from your law.

I remembered Your judgments of old, O Lord.

And have comforted myself.

Indignation has taken hold of me

Because of the wicked who forsake Your law

Your statues have been my songs

In the house of my pilgrimage.

I remember Your name in the night, O Lord

And I keep Your law.

This has become mine,

Because I kept your precepts.”

Psalm 119:49-56

One of the biggest themes in Psalm 119 is “because of Your word…” Almost every section credits God’s word with the author’s survival.

And I feel the same way. His word has caused me to hope. I know that He will bring justice, either in this era or the next. Or better yet, both. No one gets away with anything from God.

Even while feeling hedged in by the proud and the wicked I cannot turn aside from His law. Where else would I go?

But seriously. Where else am I supposed to go? I’ve seen too much of God’s character to walk away. I might be in pain and asking a lot of questions, but leaving God in my rearview mirror is simply not an option.

Because of the actions of the wicked, I have clung even more to His statutes. God’s word is my hope and comfort in my affliction. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve only been able to sleep at night when I recite Psalm 23 in my head. The author didn’t even have the entire Bible that we have today, they most likely just had the Torah (which can be super boring) and he was able to encounter God in it.

Verse 50 says “The proud have me in great derision, yet I do not turn aside from Your law.” The actions of the wicked, evil, and unrighteous will not make me turn away from the Lord. That is the enemy’s plan, but I will not give in.

I will turn to the Lord with my questions, pain, and heartache and not from Him. I’m pretty convinced at this point that He can handle my level 10 meltdowns. He isn’t afraid that I am reexamining a lot of things in my life. On the contrary, He is relaying the foundations of my life. I am discovering the true gospel that Jesus proclaimed and died for. Thank God.

It can feel pretty hard to crack open your Bible right now. I get it.

I would have probably said 2 years ago to put on some old-school IHOP music on in the background while you read the Bible. Now I just recommend instrumental music with zero words.

Photo by Mark Basarab on Unsplash